


America vs Donald Trump

by betthoven, Tyler_KB



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Anti-Donald Trump, Bro the reasons we came up with, Crack Fic, Donald Trump tried to arrest all the states, Gen, Humor, betthoven actually did most of the writing, come at us in the comment section sluts, give 0 fucks, shes the major genius behind this amazing work so please give her love, the two of us are funny we swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-17 23:38:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15472626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betthoven/pseuds/betthoven, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_KB/pseuds/Tyler_KB
Summary: One day America rushes out of the world meeting, and it turns out he had to rush back to D.C. to stop Donald from arresting the 50 states for doing stupid shit once again (not you Illinois we're glad you're here honey).So here he is, trying to determine if it would be easier (and better for his own mental stability) if he just dug his way back to hell instead of dealing with the orange mole rats bullshit anymore.Join the two Texas bitches (also known as betthoven and I) as we take you on a magical journey full of this dumb bitch Trump who had a lot to say about us (Trump what's good?!?), the literal world being shook, and crack filled regret.





	America vs Donald Trump

The telltale ringing of America’s phone sounds throughout the room, interrupting several arguments, including one America himself was involved in.

 

America holds up one finger, a silent cue for England to stop talking (finally), and puts the phone to his ear, never dropping his smile, until the other person begins explaining the situation to him.

 

“He what?” America shouts, startling the room, including Germany, whose head whips around so fast North Italy is surprised his neck didn’t snap (and Romano is sad it didn’t). America sighs, looking very annoyed at the new development, hanging up on the person. “Sorry dudes, I gotta go do something real fast,” he tells the room before leaving.

 

Out of the room, America rushes to the nearest airport and hops on the next plane flying to America, using his nationness to convince them that he needs that flight. The moment he’s back in America, he runs to the White House and bursts in the front door. Everyone moves out of his way as he stomps to where Trump is, pushing the door open with such strength that it almost falls off of it’s hinges as it smashes into the walls. 

 

“What in the name of our Lord and Savior Doitsu are you doing now?!” America yelled, storming into the oval office and not making eye contact with any of the fifty other people present in the room.

 

Trump sits on his throne and watches America in pure apathy, folding his hands on the gold-encrusted desk in front of him. “These people were all rightfully arrested, they all committed treasonous acts against their president.” 

 

“Oh yeah? What did he do?” America points at Utah, who waves.

 

A small and high pitched, yet still sorta terrifying, laugh escapes Trump’s mouth. “That boy isn’t a true Christian, and when I tried to tell him that, he said that he’s a Mormon, whatever that is.”

 

America rolls his eyes. “Nice, what about those two?” Connecticut and New Hampshire both look up when America points to them, smiling and looking a bit rough.

 

“Wine drunk.”

 

“And that one?” Arkansas looks up slowly.

 

“I visited a Walmart in Arkansas, which wasn’t very nice B-T-W, and that kid jumped into the ball container.”

 

America sighs again. “Mr. Trump, sir, these are stupid reasons to arrest people, and as your advisor, I am telling you to release them now.”

 

Trump laughs again. “Advisor? Everything you have told me to do has been stupid and I’ve done it anyway with no repercussions whatsoever. Besides, those three broke a very serious law in this country.” Indiana, Kentucky, and Tennessee all continue to play with the deck of cards Indiana had for some reason.

 

“And what would that be?” America asks, looking over at the three of them with a raised eyebrow.

 

“They participated in an act of incest with one another!” Trump exclaims, expecting a reaction out of America, who instead just sighed again and resisted the urge to slam his head into the desk and through the floor back to the Hell he feels like he’s living.

 

“We were just holding hands while walking down the street!” Tennessee yells.

 

“Yeah, and it’s not like we said we would date our daughter,” Kentucky snorts, leading California and Vermont to laugh.

 

Trump glares at the two laughing. “What did they do?” America says, ready to leave via yeeting out of the window.

 

“That girl there told me I couldn’t do another season of my reality TV show!” Trump points at California, moving his finger to Vermont. “And that one was caught doing the gay sex for money!”

 

America turns to face Vermont so fast that the states around him can feel the wind created from it. “You WHAT?”

 

Vermont holds his hands up in mock surrender. “It was all consensual!”

 

Satisfied, America nods and looks back at Trump. “What about the rest?”

 

“The rest?” Trump cackles. “You won’t be as forgiving once you hear about what the rest of them did to me!”

 

America looks like he’d rather not listen as to what the rest of them did, but he plops in a chair and stays, defeated. 

 

“Those two,” he points at Alabama and Ohio, “Were speeding and almost ran me over!”

 

“I was not speeding!” Alabama cries while Ohio giggles in the back. “We were going 69 and the speed limit was 70!”

 

At that, Ohio bursts into full on laughs, pausing in the middle to say, “I was the one who told him to go 69.”

 

America sits with his head in his hands. “They weren’t speeding.”

 

“But they almost ran me over!” Trump argues. “We had just passed a sewer and were forced to roll the windows down to clear the air, so I told the driver to go slower because that would ruin my hair and these two come barreling down the road and almost crashed into me!”

 

Oklahoma makes himself smaller in his chair. “He got me because of all the wind.”

 

“Like I said, it ruins my hair!” 

 

“Oh my god.” America groans. New Mexico, South Carolina, Iowa, and Rhode Island look over to where America now lays on the chair. “What did they do?” He waves his hand at the four states.

 

“Those people? That one looked a bit too Mexican so I thought he might be an illegal immigrant.” Trump points at New Mexico.

 

“I’ve lived here my entire life.” The state mutters.

 

Trump moves to stare at the other three. “I just didn’t like them. One is too small, one is too dull, and the other...” South Carolina sighs where she sits. “...North is better.”

 

At that last comment, America sits upright in his chair and looks worriedly at Trump for a good fifteen seconds before deciding that the president wasn’t smart enough to figure out the truth. “Are there any others who personally attacked you?”

 

“As a matter of fact, yes.” Trump swivels his chair to face Kansas and Nebraska. “Those two launched an all-out attack on my digestive system.”

 

“All I did was give you some milk!” Kansas protests. America swears that he heard Nebraska whisper “And I locked the bathrooms,” but he would never tell a soul.

 

Trump then points at Texas, “That rowdy-”

 

“ROWDY.” Texas grins; a combined force of several states have to hold him down. “IT’S SO CLOSE TO HOWDY!”

 

Visibly disturbed, Trump swallows. “That… boy made fun of my hands.”

 

“They’re too small!” Texas cheers from where he’s (thankfully) being pinned down.

 

“We can’t hold him for much longer!” New Jersey warns.

 

“You!” Trump shouts at the state. “You’re the one that tried to fill my limousine with diesel instead of regular!”

 

New Jersey cries. “I don’t know what your car needs! All I do is pump gas!”

 

Texas breaks free from the states pinned on top of him and hides behind Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, Pennsylvania is still annoyed by something trivial and doesn’t show any mercy to anyone, especially not Texas. “Don’t you dare try to hide behind me or else you’ll be worse off than when you were pinned under them.” She glares at Trump too. “And don’t you dare spell Pennsylvania as ‘Pencil’vania ever again or I’ll have your limbs in a box.”

 

“That’s why she’s in here.” Trump quietly says, quickly moving on to avoid her wrath again. “That one is too posh and that one is too rich.” He gestures to Maine and Hawaii respectively. “That one tried to get me to try moonshine.” West Virginia smirks at America and Trump, holding up a bottle of the said alcohol. “That one has bad tea.” Arizona looks offended. “That one tried to offer me poisoned cheese.”

 

“Uh, no, it was just old.” Wisconsin argues. “Old cheese is actually really good, okay?”

 

“Okay, I think I understand the majority of what everyone is here for.” America claps his hands together like the disgruntled third grade teacher that wants to go home but it’s only lunchtime. “How about you tell us why-”

 

Trump interrupts him. “No. No, no, no. Wrong. You have not heard the worst of it yet. Wait until you hear what these did.” He waves his arm over the space where Washington, Montana, Alaska, Florida, Idaho, and Georgia are huddled together. Georgia and Montana are locked in a heated Mario Kart race on their old DSes and everyone else is busy watching them. “Guess what they did.”

 

America points at Washington. “Vegan/hippie protest?” Trump nods; America then points to Montana. “Miley Cyrus?” Another (slightly confused this time) nod. Alaska. “You almost got frostbite under her supervision even though she told you to put on more layers?” Trump squints his eyes as if trying to make himself seem more intimidating. It makes him look more like a naked mole rat. Florida. “There was probably a gator involved and it tried to bite you, right?” An affirmative noise that sounds suspiciously like a cough disguising itself as something a bit more professional proves him right. Idaho. “He held up a potato to you and you thought he was comparing you to it?” Another yes. Finally, Georgia. “Something to do with oranges and your skin.”

 

“Look at him!” Georgia exclaims, pausing her game. “He looks like a super ripe orange!” She laughs and goes back to Mario Kart. “At least it wasn’t as bad as the Pants Trio.”

 

“Pants Trio?” America mouths to himself, looking over at Illinois who is on the verge of tears.

 

“They roped me into it!” He cries, pointing at Wyoming and Minnesota who are too busy looking at something in the hallway to notice. “Th-they made me take his underwear while they stole all of his pants.”

 

A hand flies to America’s mouth, attempting to make it look like he’s not laughing at all. “Is that the worst of it?” He asks Trump.

 

“The worst? It’s a tie between those three-” Colorado, Delaware, and Oregon, “-and those two.” Maryland and Michigan.

 

America honestly doesn’t know what to expect from those five, considering who they are it could be…

 

“Drugs.” Trump rasps, “That boy was in the White House saying the worst things and then he did some drugs and shared them with the other two.”

 

Saying? What would Delaware be saying? “Hey Dell, what were you saying to our dear president?” America yells all the way across the room to the three in the corner. 

 

“My neck, my back, Trump can’t grab my pussy nor my crack!” She sounds back, followed closely by a bought of laughter. “All I did was pull out some coke and share it with ‘Rado. Organs over there brought his own.”

 

“See?!” Trump exclaims. “What they did was completely disrespectful!”

 

“And the other two?” America looks over to Maryland and Michigan. A shiver of fear runs down his spine.

 

“Those two were found at Niagara Falls. One was being violently dunked under water while the other kept shouting ‘BE GONE DEMON!’” Trump explains.

 

America lets out a strained laugh. “What?” He looks at Maryland and Michigan again.

 

“She needed to be exorcised.” Maryland says emotionlessly.

 

“Okay, even I’ll admit that that’s going a bit too far for a practical joke.” America weakly laughs, knowing that they probably weren’t pulling a prank.

 

Trump holds his hands up like he’s victorious. “Yes. Finally you understand.” He sets his hands back onto his golden desk. “Now, I’ll need to be serious with you for a moment here. These are very serious crimes and-”

 

“Wait, wait.” America says, obviously interrupting and obviously not looking apologetic about it at all. “You haven’t finished telling me all of their crimes yet. There’s still ten left.”

 

Trump is speechless for a moment, then he leans back and grins. “I knew you were smart, you always have been smart.”

 

“You just recently told me that I was stupid for an advisor.” America counters.

 

“I lied.” Trump recovers, switching topics easily. “That one…” He stares at North Dakota for a long time. “...South is better.” South Dakota looks up, shocked. “And that one… wait, that one utterly rejected my request to put my face on the mountain with the people’s faces!”

 

“Mount Rushmore?” America supplies.

 

“Yes. Mount Rushmore.” Trump nods, moving to show off where North Carolina and Missouri are singing to Sweet Caroline. “Those two. Would not stop. Singing that stupid song.”

 

“BUM BUM BUM.” Missouri yells.

 

“Good times never seemed so good.” The two harmonize. Trump grips the edge of his desk.

 

“You don’t like Sweet Caroline?” America tries desperately to stay seated when he so wants to strangle the man in front of him. Who doesn’t like Sweet Caroline?

 

“I do not.” Trump replies; America almost lunges out of the chair and kicks him. “I also do not like how that one told me that Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton would rather French kiss each other than vote for me.”

 

Virginia doesn’t move. “It’s true.” Is all he says before flipping the page of his book.

 

“Those two,” Trump points at Louisiana and Mississippi, “One knows English but absolutely refused to speak it in front of me. And the other… reminds me too much of a river I hate.”

 

“The Mississippi River?” America mouths to the state. Mississippi shrugs.

 

Trump swings his chair around to get a better view of the room. “The boy way over there. He said I wasn’t invited to a party.”

 

“It was a SEX party.” Nevada yells at Trump. America wants to applaud him.

 

“I still wasn’t invited!” Trump yells back.

 

New York pauses from his texting. “You weren’t?” He asks, eye wide like he’s been caught.

 

Trump glares at him. “You know what you’re here for. Stop spreading all of that fake news.”

 

“But Massa-” A hand covers New York’s mouth before he can finish.

 

Massachusetts perfectly levels Trump’s glare with one of her own. “Climate change is not fake news. I asked him to spread the word but you still think it’s fake.”

 

“Because it is! It’s fake! Wrong! None of it is real!” Trump looks as if that’s common sense. 

 

“You only think climate change isn’t real because you’re a narrow-minded idiot that can’t look outside of his own personal bubble for more than three seconds! You think that climate change can’t possibly exist because ‘it’s not getting warmer over here, it’s getting colder.’ News flash! Climate change doesn’t specifically mean everything is getting warmer. The opposite can happen too. It changes everything about the weather from the rainfall, to the temperature, to-” New York cuts of Massachusetts this time.

 

He smiles sheepishly. “Sorry about her. She can get a little carried away.”

 

Massachusetts wrestles out of New York’s grip with Texas-like strength. “Climate change isn’t the only thing he’s denying!” She accuses. “He’s also too ignorant to realize that separating families at the border to stop illegal immigrants is a horrible and morally unjust plan and that the internet is not something to be monopolized, that net neutrality is important!” 

 

“Please sit down and shut up.” Louisiana says calmly from halfway across the room. 

 

“So you can speak English!” Trump gasps. 

 

Louisiana freezes and slowly turns to him. “Qui?”

 

America clears his throat. “Well, to me, it seems like all of these are minor offences at best, so you had no reason to arrest any of them. Besides, why would you bring them here instead of a secure jail?”

 

At that, Trump develops an eerie smirk on his face that tells America he just said exactly what Trump has been wanting to hear the entire time. “They’re here because I was told that you had a… connection to all of them. I wanted to see what you thought of them first.”

 

“I already told you what I think, I think that all of these reasons are horrible reasons to arrest people and that you should let them go immediately.” America forces the words out, tired of Trump’s behavior. How does he manage to put up with this everyday?

 

Trump laughs condescendingly. “I knew you would say that.” He slides a sheet of paper to America. “You’re fired.”

 

America lightly closes his eyes to process everything. He can’t be fired; advisor to the president isn’t even a real job! More importantly, “Why would you fire me?”

 

“I’ve never needed you. You’re worthless as an advisor.” Trump shrugs. “Sorry.”

 

The nation sits there, unmoving. A few states come up and poke him to try and get a reaction out of him, but nothing works. 

 

“I’m going to have to call security if you don’t leave. Since you’re not an employee anymore, you’re not allowed to be here.” Trump tells him. America still doesn’t move and some of the states are starting to worry. 

 

Trump calls security and a member of the security personnel is in the room in less than five seconds. “Yes sir, what seems to be the problem.” She stands a bit away from America, moving even more when she sees that he is completely still.

 

“Yes, this man will not leave my office. I would like to have him removed.” Trump smiles sweetly (even though it’s fake).

 

“Removed?” She sounds absolutely confused. “Why would you want Mr. Jones removed?”

 

Trump wrings his hands together above the table as if to distract her. “He’s fired and since he doesn’t work here anymore, I politely asked him and his… colleagues to leave. Because they have not done that yet, I am requesting for them to be removed.”

 

“Wait, you fired Mr. Jones?” She asks. 

 

“Yes.”

 

“You can’t do that.”

 

“And why can’t I do that? I’m the president! I get to choose who I can fire.”

 

“You just… you can’t fire him.”

 

“And why can’t I fire him?”

 

“You… you just can’t!”

 

Trump is ready to retort back with something equally intelligent, but the sound of America thumping onto the floor from where he slid off of his chair interrupts their exchange. 

 

“I’m gonna go call Mattie.” America groans as he gets up off of the floor. “‘Ginia, you’re in charge while I’m gone.” 

 

Virginia flips another page in his book and gives thumbs up to America. Massachusetts almost protests that it should be her who’s in charge, but she fortunately stays silent. 

 

America walks into the hallway, leans against the wall, and sighs. He pulls out his phone and calls Canada. 

  
  
  


Back at the World Meeting, everything was descending into chaos. So, the usual. 

 

“But why would America run off so suddenly?” Britain wonders aloud to himself. 

 

“Perhaps he was meeting a lady friend.” France suggests, startling the Brit. 

 

Germany slams his palms onto the table for the thirty-fourth time in twenty minutes. “Everyone! We must sit down and actually get something done!” He yells. 

 

“But we can’t really do anything without America.” China grumbles.

 

Germany looks ready to shout something back when another ringtone interrupts the World Meeting, silencing all of the countries.

 

Canada reaches for his phone, nervous at all of the attention that was thrust on him from nowhere. “H-hello?” He stutters. “Oh, America! Where have you been?” All of the countries lean in, anxious at what the American could be doing. “W-what??” Canada pauses for a moment, listening intently at what America is saying. “Okay, I’ll tell them.” He hangs up. 

 

“So? What did America say?” Britain demands. 

 

Canada is slightly shaking under all of the eyes. “A-america was told that the states were arrested so he went to try and clear that up and then he got fired so he’s trying to clear that up too.”

 

The room is dead silent for a good eight and a half seconds. 

 

“AMERICA IS BEING RESPONSIBLE??” Britain shouts. 


End file.
